- Grasp cat firmly in
your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby
a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into
its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top
of lamp and pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure
as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down
with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under
bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in 1,
except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit
down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand
over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop
the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be
able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on
drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
- If you're a woman, have
a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself
together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming
position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open
cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops!
- This isn't working, is
it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
- Crawl to linen closet.
Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
- Retrieve cat from
kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel
near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat's front and
back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work
fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
- Resume position 1.
Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges
like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop pill into cat's
mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
- Vacuum up loose fur
(cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins and
lie down.
- Forget aspirin, drink
glass of wine and lie down.